Courageous Parenting
How I Transformed my Chronic Fatigue Parenting into ParentSING
By Julie Blake
Fatigue makes cowards of us all.
~Vince Lombardi
Just a few years ago I could barely function because this mysterious illness called “Chronic fatigue syndrome” (CFS) or fibromyalgia. I talk about what a living hell it was for me… but at the time I did not fully realize how my chronic fatigue parenting was affecting my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children more than the stars love to shine, but being exhausted brought out the worst in me (it was like having cement blocks on my feet – making it through the grocery store was a miracle). I was so frustrated with myself – how could I be anything other than frustrated with my kids?
First, let’s explore CFS – for me it was a very real physical challenge. However, what’s worse than having CFS, is thinking that I shouldn’t have it – because believing that thought transmutes CFS into chronic fatigue THINKING! Here’s how that works… I really believed that I should not get tired, so in rebellion of the reality that I DID in fact get tired, I refused to “give in” and simply rest. I was just like a child pulling the Mother of all temper tantrums because I did not want to go to bed!
I had this picture in my mind of being on swim team and playing water polo in high school and for 12 years following high school I worked out at the gym blasting through a 2 hour boot camp classes, lifting weights and doing cardio. So, when I could not even walk for 15 minutes without getting exhausted I really beat myself up! I was angry at my body for getting tired. Outraged that I could not think clearly and constantly beating myself up because I really believed I should not get tired. My thoughts were exhausting me. However, CFS is no excuse for screaming at my kids… I was so caught up in my victim story that I had little energy left for patience.
I am not super mom and I do not have any advice, wisdom, or 10 steps to being the perfect parent to offer you. The truth is, that on very special occasions I have screamed at my children with the force of a level 5 hurricane, I’ve slammed doors, threatened them and a couple of times when I was really angry and believed that I had to teach them a lesson they wouldn’t forget – I would even give them a spanking. I was teaching them all right! But what was I teaching them?
Well, if I’m honest – every time I raised my voice or was impatient with them – I was teaching them how to pull the ultimate temper tantrum (I am the master). I taught them that if they did not get their own way to puff up like a spiky puffer fish to make others feel small and wrong and then throw a BIG Kahuna sized fit. I taught them that if they did not do what I expected them to do, there was something wrong with them. I taught them how to live in fear of not being good enough. I taught them that they were conditionally loved. I was teaching them the only way I knew to handle life – I was doing the best I could do while viewing life with my fear goggles on.
Welcome to my story and how I made the conscious choice to set myself free from what I call the “Fear Matrix”- which means that I stopped reacting to my children and instead chose to create a more loving experience for them (and myself). Making this choice takes a tremendous amount of courage – at first. But I am convinced that if I can do it anyone can. I am here to show you a way out of the “Fear Matrix” and how to become a Fearless Creator in what I call the “Freedom Matrix.”What this means is that you must be brave enough to accept that there is nothing wrong with you, your parenting or your children. It’s a process of unraveling all the thoughts and stories that are blocking the view of the real you – and allowing the love that you already are to shine through. Love is the answer.
A rather startling wake-up call at Starbucks®
One day while at a Starbucks® drive thru getting my turbo energy blast, I said “Mocha lattes make me happy!” and Joshua, my 5-year-old son calmly said “Well, you should drink one of those when I’m doing my homework.” He was dead serious and I started to become vividly aware of how much fun I was NOT being. So, I started to ask myself and Joshua “How can we make homework more fun?”
So, we started to make-up all kinds of games to make homework more fun! One of the first games we created was “Read it or I’ll sing it… really off key.” I discovered the secret powers singing instead of screaming and this was my debut as Opera Mom! If you are not a singer – excellent… it works even better! I would sing math problems or sing how to spell words like “fart” and “booger.” If your kids are older, they will do almost anything to avoid being embarrassed by their parents… just think of the possibilities!
With our new mission to make homework more fun, I first had to discipline myself to stop what I was doing when Joshua got home from school do homework right away. I told him about the “Homework Dread Monster” who drags out homework time for hours when he could have finished in minutes. It was quite grueling the first week, but soon Joshua would beat the Homework Dread Monster and finish in minutes. I confided in Joshua and admitted that I was always battling the “Technical Dread Monster” when I had to learn new things on the computer – only I might dread something for days or weeks… just to find out I could have finished it in 10 minutes.
Next we transformed homework from being a “have to” to being a “want to.” Instead of threatening him or telling him why he should do his homework – I helped him discover reasons why he might want to learn to read. At Toys R Us we would read toy boxes and at home we’d play games on the computer and practice reading the commands. Parenting, life and even homework became more fun.
What happened here? Well, I stopped believing thoughts like “My son should do his homework” -because if he didn’t do his homework it meant that there was something wrong with him… and if he behaved badly, what it really meant was “I’m a failure as a Mother.” Instead of trying to change him, I transformed who I was being – which was a Mom choosing to create a love of learning – not a Mom reacting to a silly little thought like “My son should do his homework.”
What really happened is I rose above the “Fear Matrix” and got into reality where I stopped looking for what was wrong with my children, my parenting and myself. I started looking for the love in my children and myself – this transformed who I was being – which created a safe and loving space free of expectations that allowed my children to feel loved, appreciated and accepted. This loving space is the “Freedom Matrix” – a magical place called the “Present moment” where you are free to consciously create your life and move beyond reacting to thoughts of how your children should or shouldn’t turn out. This is true freedom.
This loving space is available in every moment, but we have to choose it over and over! It takes practice and you can count on reacting, freaking out and yelling again. How it worked for me is that I first become aware of when I was reacting, then I would start to catch myself quicker and quicker then as my awareness rose, I reacted less often. And, just yesterday I thought my son messed up my video I had just spent 2 days making and I actually said “If you messed this up I’m going to be livid… of course that won’t do any good.” Josh calmly said “I did not mess with the video.” I didn’t yell, I took a breath and observed myself reacting, then laughed at myself and rebooted the program – it was all good. Cool and collected Josh smiled and said “I told you I did not touch it.” We watched the video and giggled.
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P.S. If you are searching for wisdom and ways to gently shift up out of fear and into reality and freedom, Steve Chandler has written 22 books and created Club Fearless for You. Steve Chandler is the reason I am sharing my story with you today. If you truly want to fearlessly create your life and family, join Club Fearless. If you would like to experience the power of Steve Chandler’s work, CLICK HERE to get a free CD mailed to you.
